sitting, watching, and waiting

"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Timing is everything and most importantly God's timing is perfect. One of the things I have been being taught over and over is that patience is something that even though it doesn't come easily to me, I have to learn it. So many times I want to act before God said yes and several times I've tried and failed and had to get up and say that's ok. I've heard over and over that something just wasn't God's timing and honestly I had just gotten used to saying ya that's true, but I was reminded that my timing doesn't work and unless I go to God I will be out of the right time. Often I would get hurt and upset that the door I wanted to be opened so badly was closed right in front of me, and I often would let those feelings control my actions and my weeks. I would shut down at the thought of being rejected again and to avoid it I just wouldn't even try. My thinking was so wrong, and I wasn't going to the One who knew why it wasn't the right time and could show me which door to go through. Even though I kept trying to find the doors I wanted God is always faithful to me showing me another way, a better way. I have been beyond humbled at thinking about all of what I thought was a door being slammed and seeing that it was really just God saying that I should go a better way. I have been given opportunities that I would've never been able to have without something else not working out. If I think about it I wouldn't even be at the university I am, and that I feel so at home at, if I hadn't of gotten a no from the first school I wanted. Learning through being told no is hard but I have to remind myself that there is so much more in store when I make sure to look at where I am being guided. For I know that God has so much more in store for me, and for all of us, than even imaginable. I'm excited to see where He leads me and thankful for His being patient with me.

being more

In life I have heard several things that I should or shouldn't be, from being told how to live by my dad to how abuse victims tend to be. I've never been the girl to except the norm or to be ok with others telling me what I can and can't be but some of the trends scared me. In high school I wanted to show everyone that I could be more than they thought, I pushed to get good grades and to break the stereotypical pastor's daughter mold. I wouldn't rebel but please my parents as much as I could.

Now I hear how typical abuse victims grow up to be. I would often become sick to my stomach or cry at the thought of being like my dad was. I never ever want that and I could never imagine being that. I consistently pray that God would help me be more than the limits that I thought I had to live by. A couple weeks ago I was sitting in class and abuse got brought up, I felt my stomach drop. I just wanted to run out of the room before I lost it. I was remind of what there was to overcome. I was talking to one of my professors about it and was reminded of how much I would never fit in any of the molds that abuse victims fell in. I had been overcoming them long before I realized it. She reminded me that I was being so much more than expected of someone who was a victim. In my mind I was just seeing myself as someone who had these limits but in my life I was being more. I was allowing God to heal me and to use me to reach others. I hadn't shown signs of someone who had been through abuse. In fact she didn't even know until I had told her. I had already made my decision to be more than the typical and I was paying attention to the signs and fighting against them.

In so many people's lives there are "limits" or thing that we think we can't overcome. But we have a God who loves us so much that He will fight for us to overcome and be more. We have a God who loves us and sees the deepest parts of us and won't leave us to fight for ourselves. I learned that through Him I have been able to heal from my past and truly live out my name, being a joy. I still pray that I don't fall into the patterns of what people usually are but that God will continue to use my life to help others. And sometimes it's hard and I do have to remind myself that I am loved, I am beautiful, and I am His. Through Him I have learned how to be more.

How can I forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness?

Forgiveness is something that everyone needs yet it is so hard to give. When we think of forgiving someone we often think that it is after they ask for the forgiveness and not as something to give freely. We are commanded to forgive those who have wronged us but admittedly it is difficult to do. In our hearts we can hold something against others and stay mad at them and those around them for something in the past. For me giving forgiveness is something that I used to think wouldn't be a hard thing to do. But as these past years have gone by forgiveness has been a reoccurring lesson to be learned. I have had to learn to forgive for the things that were asked for, not asked for, and that could never be asked for. And I'm still learning and growing in my life to be someone who easily forgives. I have struggled to wrap my head around something that seemed so hard to do. But keeping bitterness towards someone can hold me back from all that God has for  me and all that I am meant to do.


The Bible says that when we love we will learn to be forgiving. Because you can't love someone without forgiveness. Even though my dad cannot ask for me to forgive him for what he did I know that I need to forgive him for what happened to me in order to fully love. But the looming question of how to forgive someone who can't ask kept coming in my head. I kept praying that God give me the strength to forgive him, and that I would be able to move past the hurt of abuse and all the wrong I felt. I wrote letters of what I felt just to get the words out of my mind, and I cried as I would give it to God. So often my eyes were opened to areas I hadn't noticed before in my life, ways that in my dad's own way he knew what he had done was wrong. I saw that in the end my dad loved me and even though the abuse I went through wasn't correct or what should have happened. It's not like the years of feeling like I was never good enough just went away but slowly the feelings of unworthiness were replaced with love, forgiveness, and a joy. I still have times of hurt and reminders of what was, but I learned to not to keep my focus on those moments but instead find the happiness in those times. There are others in my past that I know that I will probably never ask for me to forgive them of what they did to my family and me. But in the same way that I had to forgive my dad I have learned that even more I need to forgive them. Forgiving them gives God a chance to change my heart and work in the lives of the people I'm forgiving whether or not they have asked for it. I learned that He was waiting for me to give Him the hurt and wrong of what happened. And when I gave it to Him and let go of the bitterness I had towards them, that I gained a freedom from the control that had in my life.

living without fear

Fear, something we all have and all don't know what to do with. It can be fear of anything from heights to people and everything in between. Our fears can either cripple us or make it so we want to conquer them. In my life fear was holding me back, the thoughts would run through my head of what people would think or what they would say about me. I was worried about not being liked and not fitting in, and I often found myself believing the lie that if someone really knew where I came from and who I had to be they wouldn't want to be around me anymore. This fear is still so real to me that even now doing something that I absolutely love doing (aka writing) is scary. I mean I write more than some people know and keep it all locked away on my computer. My dreams, what I'm overcoming, who I was, who my family was, words that I wish every girl could hear and know to be true, even letters all of this written and never seen.

 The thing about fear is we can work through that. God will give us the strength to look straight at the fear and start overcoming it. He will be there beside us giving us the peace and being the rock to hold on to. For me I allowed the fear of rejection and my past to shake my confidence and life. I found myself having a list of things I didn't want to be defined by, like preacher's kid, a girl with "daddy issues", someone who had lost their parent, a victim, or depressed. I knew that I just wanted to be able to be me and not have to fear. I have been through things I would never wish on my worst enemy for awhile I focused on what I had lost. I would run when I felt like maybe people were getting to close or that I started feeling like I couldn't be myself anymore. But I realized that I couldn't always run, and that I had to choose happiness. I mean my name is Joy.... yet I wasn't happy with what I had seen my life become. I was just so used to people in and out of my life that I could keep them at a distance. God started putting people in my life that I would feel completely comfortable around. Several broke through and I finally realized I could be me. It's not always easy I still find myself feeling that am going to be rejected, or a fear of what people will think. But I found that although I have fears I have a faith that my fears can't hold me back from who I am. A faith that God will be right there with me giving me the strength I need to be me. For when I stop letting the fear of what others think determine my actions I find the happiness and the joy throughout my life.

finding Joy in the midst of a struggle

The story behind my life and who I am, and a story that has broken me and made me into who I have become in my 20 years of life. My past in the best way I know how to tell it and my present of how I've changed.

About three and almost a half years ago I lost my dad to cancer, I thought my whole life had fallen apart. What I didn't realize was that was the moment that I became free to be myself fully after 17 years of having to be someone else. I was finally able to share the truth about events in my life and see who I was. That realization didn't happen right away though of course there was much pain and devastation before I saw the truth. See what no one else knew, or if they did they never spoke up, was that my dad was abusive and controlling both mentally and emotionally. Now he did great things through being a pastor and I am not saying that all he did was bad, but at home for us it was a completely different story than when he was in the public's eye. His family wasn't a top priority and many times I would get mad at him for that. I had to live a certain way and even then I never felt good enough to be in his family. One time I told him I wished I was never his daughter even though that wasn't the truth I just knew for once he would have to think about me. We weren't allowed to tell people how very sick he really was in order to "protect them" from the truth. I also had to hide how I was really doing because it wasn't perfect and I was struggling badly. So badly that I was severally depressed and suicidal. I had actually reach the point of just giving up. I couldn't tell people because what would that make our family look like and on top of everything else in our family. I do know he loved me though because at the end he waited for me to be home and to tell him it was ok, I would be ok. That was a month before my senior year and the next year would be one to change the rest of my life. Of course as any senior I was applying to colleges all across the country, from NY to TX to CA. And then before my eyes I saw more of our life falling apart, my mom lost her job. We didn't see it coming. And I knew I didn't want to stay in Ohio anymore. I was ready to leave it all behind and start anew. That spring I visited UMHB and just being on campus felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Little did I know then that we would move to the same town and the move would be so good for me.

Being in Texas has helped me become more of who I have always been. I have started to heal from all of my past and use it to grow, which isn't always easy. But I have found who I really am and people who accept me for all that I am. They have been beside me through this journey of finding who I am and allowing myself to grieve over my past and I don't think I could have found a better community. I have grown in my faith so much and I have learned to accept who I am and to be myself. I have been able to help others in a way that wouldn't be possible if I hadn't of been through what I had. I found a passion for helping teen and college age girls who don't realize how very much they are worth and loved. Do I still have a ways to grow? yes, yet I am beyond blessed and I have learned greatly more than imagined.

Ways to say

We all hear so many words every day. What will we allow to affect us? Will it be the words of the people accusing you of not being good enough? Every day you let them affect the way you feel and the way you see yourself saying that you are unworthy. You think if you can just get them to stop pointing fingers than maybe you’ll feel better. Will it be the words of the people who talk the loudest? The opinion wrong or right becoming your opinion, and when they leave you’ll be lost feeling like you have no purpose. Will it be the words of the people saying you’re not pretty enough? You’ll look in the mirror every day and not liking what you see. You let yourself believe the lie and soon forget how beautiful you actually are.  Will it be the words of those saying what you should act like to be popular? They will compromise your values and believes and make you feel like your uptight and too worthy because you won’t follow their sin. Will it be the words of all these lies? They will make you feel unworthy, uncertain, unconfident, and unloved. Or will you listen to the God who sent His Son to die for you? He says you’re worthy to die for. When He sees you He sees His son or daughter whom He loves. He shows the path to follow and walks with you as you go. He will never leave you, and He gives you certainty. He says you were made perfectly, and He sees and tells you of how beautiful you are. He sees not just your looks but your heart and thinks it is beautiful. He never will leave you and in Him you can find a community of people. He will find ways every day to show you how much you are loved. And He will make sure you always are reminded of that.

Having courage to touch the butt

At my age most people would be saying that I know nothing about hard times or what it's like to go through times where you don't think you can keep going. But the truth is that I wish I didn't know what I do sometimes, and I wish that I wouldn't have seen what I have. I don't regret it because it's made me who I am, and I like who I've become and wouldn't change it.
In my life I have seen my dad have bone cancer, and losing him a month before my senior year. I've seen my mom lose her job, and lose hope of what her life is going to be. I've battle depression, so severe that I was suicidal. I've a friend to suicide. I lost aunts and uncles. I've been abused, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I had been betrayed by the people who were supposed to care for me the most, aside from family of course. I moved away from the only place I knew, and have hardly gotten to see my siblings since. I've seen my mom go through so much depression. I pay my own way through college and had been denied for loans not knowing how I was going to pay. Yet through all of this I never lost my faith in God. And because of this His mercy and grace has been poured out to me abundantly. Where my father emotionally abused me, and then died, God has loved me and daily reminds me and shows me His great love. Where my mom lost hope and had depression, God showed me hope. Where I battle depression and suicidal thoughts, God gave my a hope for my future and a strength and courage to keep living. Where I lost people important in my life, God gave me joy to see life. Where I was abused, God gave me love, peace, grace, and self-confidence. Where I was betrayed, God tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. Where I miss my family, God comforts me. Where I saw no funds and no way, God gave me a way and showed His blessings.
I hope that you can find strength and a way to keep going. No I don't know what you're going through but I do know that you can do it.
Courage is something most people don't think they have, but if you keep pressing on keep finding hope you can go through whatever it is. And I think you are so courageous to keep going even when you don't see a way.