finding Joy in the midst of a struggle

The story behind my life and who I am, and a story that has broken me and made me into who I have become in my 20 years of life. My past in the best way I know how to tell it and my present of how I've changed.

About three and almost a half years ago I lost my dad to cancer, I thought my whole life had fallen apart. What I didn't realize was that was the moment that I became free to be myself fully after 17 years of having to be someone else. I was finally able to share the truth about events in my life and see who I was. That realization didn't happen right away though of course there was much pain and devastation before I saw the truth. See what no one else knew, or if they did they never spoke up, was that my dad was abusive and controlling both mentally and emotionally. Now he did great things through being a pastor and I am not saying that all he did was bad, but at home for us it was a completely different story than when he was in the public's eye. His family wasn't a top priority and many times I would get mad at him for that. I had to live a certain way and even then I never felt good enough to be in his family. One time I told him I wished I was never his daughter even though that wasn't the truth I just knew for once he would have to think about me. We weren't allowed to tell people how very sick he really was in order to "protect them" from the truth. I also had to hide how I was really doing because it wasn't perfect and I was struggling badly. So badly that I was severally depressed and suicidal. I had actually reach the point of just giving up. I couldn't tell people because what would that make our family look like and on top of everything else in our family. I do know he loved me though because at the end he waited for me to be home and to tell him it was ok, I would be ok. That was a month before my senior year and the next year would be one to change the rest of my life. Of course as any senior I was applying to colleges all across the country, from NY to TX to CA. And then before my eyes I saw more of our life falling apart, my mom lost her job. We didn't see it coming. And I knew I didn't want to stay in Ohio anymore. I was ready to leave it all behind and start anew. That spring I visited UMHB and just being on campus felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Little did I know then that we would move to the same town and the move would be so good for me.

Being in Texas has helped me become more of who I have always been. I have started to heal from all of my past and use it to grow, which isn't always easy. But I have found who I really am and people who accept me for all that I am. They have been beside me through this journey of finding who I am and allowing myself to grieve over my past and I don't think I could have found a better community. I have grown in my faith so much and I have learned to accept who I am and to be myself. I have been able to help others in a way that wouldn't be possible if I hadn't of been through what I had. I found a passion for helping teen and college age girls who don't realize how very much they are worth and loved. Do I still have a ways to grow? yes, yet I am beyond blessed and I have learned greatly more than imagined.