finding Joy in the midst of a struggle

The story behind my life and who I am, and a story that has broken me and made me into who I have become in my 20 years of life. My past in the best way I know how to tell it and my present of how I've changed.

About three and almost a half years ago I lost my dad to cancer, I thought my whole life had fallen apart. What I didn't realize was that was the moment that I became free to be myself fully after 17 years of having to be someone else. I was finally able to share the truth about events in my life and see who I was. That realization didn't happen right away though of course there was much pain and devastation before I saw the truth. See what no one else knew, or if they did they never spoke up, was that my dad was abusive and controlling both mentally and emotionally. Now he did great things through being a pastor and I am not saying that all he did was bad, but at home for us it was a completely different story than when he was in the public's eye. His family wasn't a top priority and many times I would get mad at him for that. I had to live a certain way and even then I never felt good enough to be in his family. One time I told him I wished I was never his daughter even though that wasn't the truth I just knew for once he would have to think about me. We weren't allowed to tell people how very sick he really was in order to "protect them" from the truth. I also had to hide how I was really doing because it wasn't perfect and I was struggling badly. So badly that I was severally depressed and suicidal. I had actually reach the point of just giving up. I couldn't tell people because what would that make our family look like and on top of everything else in our family. I do know he loved me though because at the end he waited for me to be home and to tell him it was ok, I would be ok. That was a month before my senior year and the next year would be one to change the rest of my life. Of course as any senior I was applying to colleges all across the country, from NY to TX to CA. And then before my eyes I saw more of our life falling apart, my mom lost her job. We didn't see it coming. And I knew I didn't want to stay in Ohio anymore. I was ready to leave it all behind and start anew. That spring I visited UMHB and just being on campus felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Little did I know then that we would move to the same town and the move would be so good for me.

Being in Texas has helped me become more of who I have always been. I have started to heal from all of my past and use it to grow, which isn't always easy. But I have found who I really am and people who accept me for all that I am. They have been beside me through this journey of finding who I am and allowing myself to grieve over my past and I don't think I could have found a better community. I have grown in my faith so much and I have learned to accept who I am and to be myself. I have been able to help others in a way that wouldn't be possible if I hadn't of been through what I had. I found a passion for helping teen and college age girls who don't realize how very much they are worth and loved. Do I still have a ways to grow? yes, yet I am beyond blessed and I have learned greatly more than imagined.

Ways to say

We all hear so many words every day. What will we allow to affect us? Will it be the words of the people accusing you of not being good enough? Every day you let them affect the way you feel and the way you see yourself saying that you are unworthy. You think if you can just get them to stop pointing fingers than maybe you’ll feel better. Will it be the words of the people who talk the loudest? The opinion wrong or right becoming your opinion, and when they leave you’ll be lost feeling like you have no purpose. Will it be the words of the people saying you’re not pretty enough? You’ll look in the mirror every day and not liking what you see. You let yourself believe the lie and soon forget how beautiful you actually are.  Will it be the words of those saying what you should act like to be popular? They will compromise your values and believes and make you feel like your uptight and too worthy because you won’t follow their sin. Will it be the words of all these lies? They will make you feel unworthy, uncertain, unconfident, and unloved. Or will you listen to the God who sent His Son to die for you? He says you’re worthy to die for. When He sees you He sees His son or daughter whom He loves. He shows the path to follow and walks with you as you go. He will never leave you, and He gives you certainty. He says you were made perfectly, and He sees and tells you of how beautiful you are. He sees not just your looks but your heart and thinks it is beautiful. He never will leave you and in Him you can find a community of people. He will find ways every day to show you how much you are loved. And He will make sure you always are reminded of that.

Having courage to touch the butt

At my age most people would be saying that I know nothing about hard times or what it's like to go through times where you don't think you can keep going. But the truth is that I wish I didn't know what I do sometimes, and I wish that I wouldn't have seen what I have. I don't regret it because it's made me who I am, and I like who I've become and wouldn't change it.
In my life I have seen my dad have bone cancer, and losing him a month before my senior year. I've seen my mom lose her job, and lose hope of what her life is going to be. I've battle depression, so severe that I was suicidal. I've a friend to suicide. I lost aunts and uncles. I've been abused, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I had been betrayed by the people who were supposed to care for me the most, aside from family of course. I moved away from the only place I knew, and have hardly gotten to see my siblings since. I've seen my mom go through so much depression. I pay my own way through college and had been denied for loans not knowing how I was going to pay. Yet through all of this I never lost my faith in God. And because of this His mercy and grace has been poured out to me abundantly. Where my father emotionally abused me, and then died, God has loved me and daily reminds me and shows me His great love. Where my mom lost hope and had depression, God showed me hope. Where I battle depression and suicidal thoughts, God gave my a hope for my future and a strength and courage to keep living. Where I lost people important in my life, God gave me joy to see life. Where I was abused, God gave me love, peace, grace, and self-confidence. Where I was betrayed, God tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me. Where I miss my family, God comforts me. Where I saw no funds and no way, God gave me a way and showed His blessings.
I hope that you can find strength and a way to keep going. No I don't know what you're going through but I do know that you can do it.
Courage is something most people don't think they have, but if you keep pressing on keep finding hope you can go through whatever it is. And I think you are so courageous to keep going even when you don't see a way.